Saturday, August 1, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Third Post
I retook the MBTI test last night for the first time in a while, and I made an interesting discovery: every single one of my attributes, which all used to be at least indicative of a moderate preference, have weakened.
I'm still an INTJ, but only barely now. My introversion is down from a nearly 80% preference to a mere 44%, my thinking is now only 25%, and my judging preference has all but disappeared - I scored only a 1% preference for judging over perceiving. Even my intuition, which used to clock at a steady 100%, has gone down to 88%.
What does this mean?
I think there's an argument to be made that emotionally unstable or depressed people should not take personality tests, as their disorders will inevitably skew the results. But think of how the results would likely be skewed - I imagine a depressed person as being more prone to introversion, for example, than an emotionally healthy person, all else considered. So my new scores are surprising in this regard - they haven't had the same effect that I might have predicted.
The other thing to note is that I'm going through a period fo change, and that might be affecting me. When viewed in this light, it's an encouraging sign that says I'm getting better, rather than getting worse or somehow stagnating. The weakening of my functions across the board implies that my opposing functions - extraversion, sensing, feeling and perceiving - are getting stronger, and that I'm learning to use those in a way that I haven't previously.
I don't know what the root cause is, to be honest, although I can guess that this isn't in the normal deviation of someone's test scores. This is a real and palpable change. But it does seem just as accurate to view it as a side effect of maturation, of becoming. So I'm going to look at it like that, and continue (as I have done) to use this test as a guide to figuring myself out.
I'm still an INTJ, but only barely now. My introversion is down from a nearly 80% preference to a mere 44%, my thinking is now only 25%, and my judging preference has all but disappeared - I scored only a 1% preference for judging over perceiving. Even my intuition, which used to clock at a steady 100%, has gone down to 88%.
What does this mean?
I think there's an argument to be made that emotionally unstable or depressed people should not take personality tests, as their disorders will inevitably skew the results. But think of how the results would likely be skewed - I imagine a depressed person as being more prone to introversion, for example, than an emotionally healthy person, all else considered. So my new scores are surprising in this regard - they haven't had the same effect that I might have predicted.
The other thing to note is that I'm going through a period fo change, and that might be affecting me. When viewed in this light, it's an encouraging sign that says I'm getting better, rather than getting worse or somehow stagnating. The weakening of my functions across the board implies that my opposing functions - extraversion, sensing, feeling and perceiving - are getting stronger, and that I'm learning to use those in a way that I haven't previously.
I don't know what the root cause is, to be honest, although I can guess that this isn't in the normal deviation of someone's test scores. This is a real and palpable change. But it does seem just as accurate to view it as a side effect of maturation, of becoming. So I'm going to look at it like that, and continue (as I have done) to use this test as a guide to figuring myself out.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Second Post
I have a few problems to speak of, but I suppose I'll let them come to light as they become pertinent. This isn't, after all, a lecture series - so I feel pretty okay with taking a more freeform approach. This is more for my own edification anyway! To hell with the reader.
Despite my less than systematic intentions, it seems as easy as anything to start from the very fundamental problem that is bothering me most of all:
What is life for?
I'm no theist. I'm not religious. I don't particularly ascribe to most essential societal norms. I'm hypercritical, stubborn and ornery, independent-minded, and damn proud of it. There are a couple of problems with saying such things, however, and I do want to make note of them.
First of all, none of these things make me a bad person. I am, in my own estimation, painstakingly polite, cordial, willing to go out of my way for people, all of the stuff that, in theory, at least, makes someone likeable. My extremely critical demeanor is mainly relegated to the world of ideas, where I pick things apart, dissect them, torture them until they talk. I never treat people in the same way.
But that brings me to the second, and more pertinent, point I wanted to make about my temperament. When I take ideas apart, it becomes rather like dissecting a frog - perfectly possible and, once in pieces on the table before me, there is no doubt about how the frog worked. But once it's there, laid out for examination... it's a much more difficult job to put it back together and get it to work like it once did.
Ideas are dead to me! Mummified, long-dead rulers of some ancient kingdom. And they were worshipped as descendants of the sun god in that forgotten epoch, but now I look on their works and despair, not as a stunned traveler seeing all they accomplished, but seeing that I have to start from scratch.
I have to build a life worth living, and I don't know how.
Despite my less than systematic intentions, it seems as easy as anything to start from the very fundamental problem that is bothering me most of all:
What is life for?
I'm no theist. I'm not religious. I don't particularly ascribe to most essential societal norms. I'm hypercritical, stubborn and ornery, independent-minded, and damn proud of it. There are a couple of problems with saying such things, however, and I do want to make note of them.
First of all, none of these things make me a bad person. I am, in my own estimation, painstakingly polite, cordial, willing to go out of my way for people, all of the stuff that, in theory, at least, makes someone likeable. My extremely critical demeanor is mainly relegated to the world of ideas, where I pick things apart, dissect them, torture them until they talk. I never treat people in the same way.
But that brings me to the second, and more pertinent, point I wanted to make about my temperament. When I take ideas apart, it becomes rather like dissecting a frog - perfectly possible and, once in pieces on the table before me, there is no doubt about how the frog worked. But once it's there, laid out for examination... it's a much more difficult job to put it back together and get it to work like it once did.
Ideas are dead to me! Mummified, long-dead rulers of some ancient kingdom. And they were worshipped as descendants of the sun god in that forgotten epoch, but now I look on their works and despair, not as a stunned traveler seeing all they accomplished, but seeing that I have to start from scratch.
I have to build a life worth living, and I don't know how.
First Post
I am depressed.
There are a number of reasons for this, which I why I've started this project. I intend to sort through my thoughts here. I intend to find solutions for my problems - at the minimum, I hope to gain perspective on what's going on and how I can handle it better.
And then, with a little luck, I can be happy again one day.
There are a number of reasons for this, which I why I've started this project. I intend to sort through my thoughts here. I intend to find solutions for my problems - at the minimum, I hope to gain perspective on what's going on and how I can handle it better.
And then, with a little luck, I can be happy again one day.
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